Motherhood: Making me more afraid than I've ever been

This time a year ago, I was one week into being a mom. I was sore from labor, sleep-deprived from feeding Chad every 2-3 hours all night long, and beginning to realize that my life was never going to be the same. These days, motherhood still isn't easy, but Chad sleeps well at night, can play by himself sometimes, and I've learned how to balance my "mom"self and "me"self. There's one thing I'm still getting used to, though: being constantly afraid.

I'm afraid all the time now. I never knew there were so many things to be afraid of. I'm afraid Chad will stop breathing during the night, afraid that when he gets mad and bangs his head on the crib railing that he'll give himself brain damage. Here are a few other things I'm afraid of:

• Those skinny pieces of plastic that hold tags onto shirts
• Random pieces of dirt on the carpet
• Unpopped popcorn kernels
• Little pieces of half-chewed ham
• Unlocked kitchen cupboards and cabinets
• Slamming doors
• Toilets with open lids
• Tubs with more than half an inch of water in the bottom
• Exposed toes and fingers in the Rexburg wind
• Running out of diapers
• Running out of wipes
• Losing every binky at the same time
• The stairs
• Open dishwasher lids when there are knives or forks in the silverware sorter
• Locking my keys in the car when Chad is inside
• Having the front door lock itself when I run the trash out to the trash can with Chad alone in the house
• Hot stove surfaces
• Hot water
• Hot space heaters
• Leaving Chad unattended in his high chair
• Leaving Chad unattended in his stroller
• Leaving Chad for 10 seconds while I run a folded stack of towels upstairs
• Leaving Chad in the tub when I turn to get his hairbrush off the bathroom counter
• Coughing sounds
• Odd laughing sounds
• Gasping sounds
• No sound
• Letting Chad watch too much TV
• Letting Chad sit too close to the TV
• Letting Chad glance at the TV during violent movie scenes
• Letting Chad put his ear too close to the TV/iPhone speakers
• Letting Chad face the sun when we go for stroller walks
• Little kids at the library who run around in circles near Chad's fingers
• Possible germs on said kids or the library toys
• SIDS
• RSV
• Concussions
• Congenital heart problems
• The common cold
• Kissing Chad when I have a cold sore
• A random stranger walking up in the grocery store when my back is turned and kidnapping Chad from the basket of my grocery cart

I could go on, but you get the idea. I didn't realize being a mom would make me so nervous and jumpy all the time. All it takes is for Chad to make a strange noise or his mouth to move in a chewing motion when I haven't given him any food for my heart to start racing. A couple times a day I get a little hit of adrenaline from some nerve-wracking thing Chad does. Who needs extreme sports? He thinks it's hilarious when I drop whatever I'm doing and sprint across the room to check on him. He's less amused when I fish around in his mouth with my finger or smack whatever dangerous object he's holding out of his hand, however. Sometimes I think it's a miracle he's lived as long as he has with all the dangers in this world.

At the same time, I've begin to find hidden reserves of bravery and strength I've never drawn from before. For instance, during Chad's birth when the doctor told me Chad was facing the wrong way with a large head, he gave me the option of having a C-section rather than putting me through the ordeal of manually turning the baby and then pushing him out, large head first. A part of me really wanted to be done with labor and no one would have blamed me for opting for the emergency C-section. Yet, almost without consciously deciding to say it, I heard myself answering, "I'd like you to turn him. I want to give birth naturally if at all possible." And somehow, 20 minutes later, Chad was delivered. I had survived what has physically been the toughest moment of my existence thus far.

In the weeks and months that followed, I also survived night after night of interrupted sleep. I stuck with breastfeeding even when it hurt, was time consuming, and meant no one but I could get up during the night to feed the baby. And now I've learned how to carry every bag of groceries plus a car seat, diaper bag, and purse into the house from the car in one load.

These days I'm learning patience as Chad's favorite pastime is climbing up and down the stairs and I follow him every step of the way. I guess it's his way of making sure I get my exercise in. I'm also becoming adept at one-handed lifting, stirring, folding, and cooking because some days my cuddly little boy just can't stand to be separated from me by even an arm's length.

Perhaps most importantly, I'm developing capacities to love I never fathomed before. I love Chad far more now than I did when he was born. Sometimes I catch myself staring at him even when he's sitting there playing with his own feet, and I realize I've been staring at him for at least 10 minutes as he's been employed in the same activity. I also love Justin more than ever because of the tough parenting times we've been through where we've had to sacrifice for each other. We value our time together far more now than we used to.

And the biggest miracle of all? One day, I saw a spider crawl from Chad's high chair onto his lap, and instead of running screaming in the opposite direction, I picked him up and dusted him off vigorously, knowing as he did so that my hand might actually come in contact with that spider. I didn't even hesitate.

Now that's love.