Motherhood: Making me more afraid than I've ever been

This time a year ago, I was one week into being a mom. I was sore from labor, sleep-deprived from feeding Chad every 2-3 hours all night long, and beginning to realize that my life was never going to be the same. These days, motherhood still isn't easy, but Chad sleeps well at night, can play by himself sometimes, and I've learned how to balance my "mom"self and "me"self. There's one thing I'm still getting used to, though: being constantly afraid.

I'm afraid all the time now. I never knew there were so many things to be afraid of. I'm afraid Chad will stop breathing during the night, afraid that when he gets mad and bangs his head on the crib railing that he'll give himself brain damage. Here are a few other things I'm afraid of:

• Those skinny pieces of plastic that hold tags onto shirts
• Random pieces of dirt on the carpet
• Unpopped popcorn kernels
• Little pieces of half-chewed ham
• Unlocked kitchen cupboards and cabinets
• Slamming doors
• Toilets with open lids
• Tubs with more than half an inch of water in the bottom
• Exposed toes and fingers in the Rexburg wind
• Running out of diapers
• Running out of wipes
• Losing every binky at the same time
• The stairs
• Open dishwasher lids when there are knives or forks in the silverware sorter
• Locking my keys in the car when Chad is inside
• Having the front door lock itself when I run the trash out to the trash can with Chad alone in the house
• Hot stove surfaces
• Hot water
• Hot space heaters
• Leaving Chad unattended in his high chair
• Leaving Chad unattended in his stroller
• Leaving Chad for 10 seconds while I run a folded stack of towels upstairs
• Leaving Chad in the tub when I turn to get his hairbrush off the bathroom counter
• Coughing sounds
• Odd laughing sounds
• Gasping sounds
• No sound
• Letting Chad watch too much TV
• Letting Chad sit too close to the TV
• Letting Chad glance at the TV during violent movie scenes
• Letting Chad put his ear too close to the TV/iPhone speakers
• Letting Chad face the sun when we go for stroller walks
• Little kids at the library who run around in circles near Chad's fingers
• Possible germs on said kids or the library toys
• SIDS
• RSV
• Concussions
• Congenital heart problems
• The common cold
• Kissing Chad when I have a cold sore
• A random stranger walking up in the grocery store when my back is turned and kidnapping Chad from the basket of my grocery cart

I could go on, but you get the idea. I didn't realize being a mom would make me so nervous and jumpy all the time. All it takes is for Chad to make a strange noise or his mouth to move in a chewing motion when I haven't given him any food for my heart to start racing. A couple times a day I get a little hit of adrenaline from some nerve-wracking thing Chad does. Who needs extreme sports? He thinks it's hilarious when I drop whatever I'm doing and sprint across the room to check on him. He's less amused when I fish around in his mouth with my finger or smack whatever dangerous object he's holding out of his hand, however. Sometimes I think it's a miracle he's lived as long as he has with all the dangers in this world.

At the same time, I've begin to find hidden reserves of bravery and strength I've never drawn from before. For instance, during Chad's birth when the doctor told me Chad was facing the wrong way with a large head, he gave me the option of having a C-section rather than putting me through the ordeal of manually turning the baby and then pushing him out, large head first. A part of me really wanted to be done with labor and no one would have blamed me for opting for the emergency C-section. Yet, almost without consciously deciding to say it, I heard myself answering, "I'd like you to turn him. I want to give birth naturally if at all possible." And somehow, 20 minutes later, Chad was delivered. I had survived what has physically been the toughest moment of my existence thus far.

In the weeks and months that followed, I also survived night after night of interrupted sleep. I stuck with breastfeeding even when it hurt, was time consuming, and meant no one but I could get up during the night to feed the baby. And now I've learned how to carry every bag of groceries plus a car seat, diaper bag, and purse into the house from the car in one load.

These days I'm learning patience as Chad's favorite pastime is climbing up and down the stairs and I follow him every step of the way. I guess it's his way of making sure I get my exercise in. I'm also becoming adept at one-handed lifting, stirring, folding, and cooking because some days my cuddly little boy just can't stand to be separated from me by even an arm's length.

Perhaps most importantly, I'm developing capacities to love I never fathomed before. I love Chad far more now than I did when he was born. Sometimes I catch myself staring at him even when he's sitting there playing with his own feet, and I realize I've been staring at him for at least 10 minutes as he's been employed in the same activity. I also love Justin more than ever because of the tough parenting times we've been through where we've had to sacrifice for each other. We value our time together far more now than we used to.

And the biggest miracle of all? One day, I saw a spider crawl from Chad's high chair onto his lap, and instead of running screaming in the opposite direction, I picked him up and dusted him off vigorously, knowing as he did so that my hand might actually come in contact with that spider. I didn't even hesitate.

Now that's love.

Chad's first birthday

My little boy is officially one year old. Not only does that make him seem old, but it makes me feel old, too. His birthday was Friday, Valentine's Day, but since my parents and Charity couldn't get in town til late that night we celebrated it on Saturday. Justin's parents made a heroic journey all the way from Belfair, WA to Rexburg on Thursday and thus were around to watch Chad so Justin and I could go to Olive Garden in Idaho Falls for dinner. It is perhaps a sign of the times that Olive Garden seemed like a pretty swanky restaurant to me.

Saturday was a fun chance to show both my family and Justin's parents around campus. There is beautiful artwork in the BYU-I Center and they keep the balcony of the auditorium open during the week for "study and reflection." The width and breadth of that enormous room never ceases to amaze me. Chad's party went well with a mountain of presents four times as big as him to open from doting grandparents and a bear-shaped frosted cake for him to eat. He wasn't quite sure how to consume such a massive edifice, even after I cut the head open so he could see the cake beneath. His cake face didn't really end up being all that messy but we had cake leftovers which he ate plenty of the next day. So far, his favorite gifts have been a Spiderman-themed ball pit and a little push-along car.

The semester is halfway over now, which is a bitter-sweet realization to me. I've looked forward to having a life outside of Rexburg for years, but now that the end of our time here is so imminent I've been gripped with fond nostalgia for the place that has been my home for the better part of the last 5 1/2 years. Justin's testing in Washington two weekends ago went really well, and now we're just playing the waiting game. He sent his test results to several agencies so we're hoping someone will want to bring him back for interviews. This whole job application process is so tedious and expensive, I wish it was over with already.

Chad is not quite walking yet, but he can stand for a second or two at a time on his own and he loves cruising around holding onto walls and furniture. He's also a pro at crawling up and down stairs, though not so much we feel comfortable giving him unlimited access to them. Today, however, he somehow made it past the chair covered with a blanket we use as a barrier to the hallway and climbed all the way upstairs to where I was in the bedroom. I took the little escapee back down to his father, who had been oblivious of the breakout. The chair and blanket were unmoved so the only thing we could think was maybe he'd climbed over? We're not sure and he has yet to repeat his performance.

He has the sweetest, spunkiest, most independent personality and has some very definite opinions about what is okay and what is not. For instance, he's terrified of the pinata game on my iPad and the garbage disposal and a little girl in our married ward who we see in Sunday School. He loves playing with white plastic mixing spoons, plastic pipes, and getting food out of the garbage to eat. One of his most favorite pastimes is cuddling in my lap while I read to him and he absolutely hates getting set down. If he had his own way, he'd probably sit in my lap all day scrolling through the pictures on my phone. He likes crawling around in just his diaper yet strongly dislikes baths. And perhaps the most interesting quirk of all is his penchant for pulling the lint out of the dryer's lint catcher and either dropping it on my clean clothes or all over the floor. My little boy is definitely one of a kind.

How Chad and I spend our free time

Chad's first blanket fort

My Valentine's Day gift to Justin

Pictures of Chad's party 

I got "nothing" done today, and I'm proud of it

Today I read a blog post titled, "New mamas get nothing done (And other untruths)" and it left me feeling really empowered. It was about how new mothers feel like they get "nothing" done because of how busy they are taking care of their baby all day. I don't know how many times I've felt like that. Justin sometimes comes home from class and finds me and Chad still in our pajamas, breakfast dishes on the table, a pile of dirty diapers in the corner, mountains of crumbs beneath the high chair, and toys all over the floor. He's usually too nice to say anything derogatory, but he does have a look sometimes that seems to ask, "What on earth have you been doing?"

The truth is, some days I really don't get anything productive done in terms of worldly value. I don't get my articles written for my freelancing jobs and I don't grade a single paper. But that doesn't mean I did "nothing." Take today, for instance. The following are some things I accomplished:

1. - Fed my baby a well-rounded breakfast of bananas, toast, and yogurt. Introducing him to good nutrition now could help him make good dietary decisions throughout his life.
2. - Read 4 board books about topics ranging from the sounds farm animals make to learning where your belly button is. They may not be classical literature, but the good experiences he has with reading now will influence his attitude towards reading in the future.
3. - Gave Chad a bath. He's not a huge fan of the water but he does like playing with bath toys. Bathing him is a fun mother-son experience I know I won't be able to have forever.
4. - Took selfies of the two of us with my phone. How fun will these memories be to look back on years into the future?
5. - Nursed and rocked my son. Breastfeeding has been hard, but so worth it. I know this effort I'm putting in now could benefit Chad's health for the rest of his life.
6. - Helped him fall asleep. He isn't great at falling asleep on his own yet, but he's learning. It would be lots easier on me to just rock or nurse him to sleep for every nap, but instead I've been making the effort to establish a routine, spend time helping him get drowsy, and then putting him down awake but sleepy. He usually cries for a couple minutes until he falls asleep, and I sit in my bedroom and listen, praying he'll fall asleep quickly while silent tears slide down my own face.
7. - Banged pots and pans together in the kitchen. It's Chad's favorite thing when I get down on the floor next to him and we explore what kinds of sounds we can make with plastic spoons and cups and pans. I'm not sure what benefit he's getting out of it, unless he grows up to be a drummer, but I know it helps us bond.
8. - Climbed up and down the stairs 3 times. He's getting really good at the climbing-down-backwards thing, but I'm still not comfortable giving him free access to the stairs. So I walk or crawl behind him as he goes up and down multiple times. Surely such exercise is helping strengthen his muscles and improving his motor skills and coordination.
9. - Let Chad play with his dinner. He made a horrible mess of his tray, his clothes, the floor, and his face, but he learned about textures and actually ate a few vegetables for once. That in itself was a minor miracle.
10. - Played peekaboo for 20 minutes. Chad never ceases to be entertained by this simple game, but I hope somehow it's reinforcing the idea that I won't ever truly leave him. I'm his mom now and forever and will never be far away.

That's just the tip of the iceburg of what "nothing" I got accomplished today. We also visited our next door neighbor because Chad tends to be a little happier when he gets to explore somewhere new, Chad recorded a video with my phone and I didn't realize it until after he'd recorded several of my funnier faces, we looked out the window at the snow, listened to music, danced around the living room, and went through daddy's suitcase he'd left open in the living room.

I haven't written a single article or responded to student emails. I only half loaded the dishwasher and did my makeup but not my hair. I've wanted to finish my book I'm reading for weeks and I'm not even halfway through with it yet. And yet, after reading that blog post earlier today, I can't feel like it's been a waste. Chad has had fun, enjoyed his mommy's attention, and I've made the most of one more of his fleeting days of babyhood. There will be more stressful days ahead, but the author of that article was right. You never regret the time you spend holding your baby. And I don't regret a single second of today.