Summer sun and a note for future reference

It's very quiet in the apartment right now. Chad has been in bed for an hour and Justin is gone hunting the great black bear. Rainy lies curled in the top of her cat tree and all I hear is the click of my laptop keyboard and the hum of the refrigerator. Peaceful moments like these are so rare anymore. In my pre-baby existence, I had no notion that time for myself could be such a valuable commodity.

The summer is rushing past, and though I remember how much I complained about the rain when we moved here, I do wish it would rush past a little more swiftly. We have three fans in our apartment but no AC so it gets hot quickly. Especially if I try to cook anything. The other day, it was 67 degrees outside and 79 degrees in the apartment because I baked some potatoes. Heat is so hard to get away from--it's not like the cold, when you can pile on a few more blankets or jackets and sit huddled next to a space heater or take a warm shower. Cold showers never feel good, there's only so many pieces of clothing you can take off, and hot air blown through a fan is still hot.

Those moments that make mommyhood so worthwhile.

Of course, the heat in the apartment isn't so bad when I consider what Justin does every day, all day. He works in a hot, humid atmosphere detailing cars. At least he can cool off a little with the water. He's still working at West Hills Honda while he works on the law enforcement application process.

Meanwhile, I'm continuing to write my articles for FamilyShare.com and TiredofWriting.com. I enjoy having these avenues to earn a little money while being a stay at home mom. I just wish Chad understood the importance of my task and didn't see every time I open my laptop as an opportunity to work on his button-pushing skills.

This naughty kid keeps me on my toes.

Chad is a runner, climber, screamer, tantrum thrower and getting cuter by the day. It takes all my energy just to keep up with him sometimes. He can say a couple of words, but his preferred mode of communication is to grab my hand and take me to whatever it is he wants. He can follow simple directions, knows a few body parts, and enjoys hugging Rainy when she stops moving long enough for him to catch her. He says "ti tu" for thank you, "MAAAM" for Mom or some variation of "Come here right now!", and "daggy" for Daddy. From time to time he makes a number of other vocalizations, but we aren't sure what they mean yet. His favorite things to do are read story books, cuddle with us in bed in the morning, suck his binky, eat cheese, try to run across the street the moment we're outside, drinking from straws, and sliding down slides. He's also had 3 weeks of swimming lessons now. And while I wouldn't call him Michael Phelps, he does seem to enjoy the water and he likes flirting with the swim instructor.

4th of July Fun

We've had a good summer. Chad wasn't afraid of the fireworks on the 4th of July at all, and we were hard-pressed to keep him from lighting a few himself! (Only half kidding.) Immediately afterwards Chad and I took a short trip to Boise to visit my parents for a few days. It was so wonderful. I never remember what a great city Boise is until I'm returning there after some time away. Boise, McCall, and Rexburg are neck and neck for my most favorite places in the world. On Justin's days off, we try to mix up what we do. We've gone on one camping trip (and made some delicious peach cobbler), visited the Puget Sound Naval Museum and the Undersea Naval Museum, visited Bainbridge Island, splashed at the Silverdale and Bremerton waterfront parks, and tomorrow we're going to the Kitsap County Fair. This summer has been more fun than the last because Chad is old enough to realize where he is and enjoy the variety of activities we do. He's also old enough to try to run away from us in crowded areas, which isn't so fun.

The moment I'm most looking forward to: My sister getting back from her mission the evening of September 9th! After 18 months serving the people of Rancagua, Chile, Chelsea will finally be home. I don't know yet if I'll be able to be there, but just having her nearer, being able to call and talk to her whenever I want, will be so wonderful. The last time she saw Chad he was 10 days old, so I'm especially looking forward to somehow getting those two together.

Blowing dandelion seeds

Now for the biggest reason I've been meaning to write this blog: In the Mormon community, it's normal to pop out another baby every two years. Kids get to be fairly close together in age, and women get to get these baby years over with more quickly. Sometimes they're closer or farther apart (2 years 2 weeks between me and Chelsea, 3 years 1 month between Chelsea and Nick, 1 year 9 months between Nick and Charity) but 2 years has always seemed to me to be the perfect interval. So we started trying to conceive at the appropriate time, anticipating it wouldn't take long before baby #2 would be on his/her way.

But it hasn't happened like that. It's been months and we've still had no luck. And yes, I realize that's hardly any time, many people struggle for years with infertility and spend thousands of dollars on expensive procedures. But the length of time hasn't mattered to me. Every month feels like the death of another possibility and it only gets worse the longer it takes. I've been asked, jokingly, what's taking me so long. Why aren't we jumping on the band wagon and having another baby? Questions like that, while well-meaning enough, pierce me through with regret and sadness. I laugh off the question, but inside I die a little. And now that I have the smallest idea of what it's like to be infertile, I feel so much more empathy for those friends of mine who have struggled to conceive. It hurts your heart with a dull, constant ache which only sharpens over time. Every baby announcement on Facebook is another reminder of what you don't have, every smiling baby picture another punch to the gut. The Facebook news feed quickly becomes a gauntlet of pinpricks and heartaches. I don't care if they've been trying for 2 months or 2 years, the sting of infertility is real and painful and should never be downplayed.

So for those of you reading this, I just make a small plea. You never know what a couple might be going through. Don't assume just because they have no kids or one kid that they don't want more, that they're selfish, that they're waiting too long. You have no idea what pain your innocent question might cause. And the next time you post a baby announcement on Facebook, say a little prayer in your heart for the women out there who will see it who only wish that could be them.

Nielsen Family Selfie

Kleiner Park in Boise

A couple of goofballs

"Loving" Rainy

Climbing all by himself

Can't get enough of this little face

5 ways for asking a woman if she's pregnant

This is an article I wrote for FamilyShare.com, however they ended up having enough pregnancy articles for the time being. I didn't want it to go to waste, so I thought I'd share it here with all my pregnant friends. Enjoy.

We've all been there: that moment when you start wondering if your friend is pregnant or has just put on a few pounds. But of course, if she hasn't made the information public there's no easy way to tell before the second, and sometimes third, trimester. It's her business when she wants to make the announcement, of course, but what if you really, really want to know right now? Eventually there will be no hiding the truth, but if you're persistent and persuasive, you might extract the answer to that burning question, "Are you pregnant?" much sooner without ever having to use those words. Here are some tips on how to spoil a pregnant woman.

"How many donuts would you like?"

Pregnant women are known for their cravings, so if you offer to get her some donuts from the store and she asks for five, you might possibly be assured she is pregnant. Anything less than five and she may just be hungry or have a true penchant for those tasty pastries.

"Are you going to be visiting any amusement parks this summer?"

Roller coasters, ferris wheels, even carousels have signs posted cautioning pregnant women against riding them. If the woman you suspect of pregnancy is planning on going to an amusement park, she probably isn't pregnant because it would be a shame to spend that money on rides she couldn't go on. (Though I must admit, I did ride on a carousel once when I was pregnant.)

"Don't you just love babies?"

You must be careful with this question, as it might be construed as leading towards the true question you are seeking an answer to. Try to edge it in between other innocuous topics, such as the weather or recent sport scores. Bringing along a Babies R Us magazine might help. You can gauge how long she stares at each item and maybe even tell the baby's gender.

"Could we get a group together to go see ______ (insert chick flick title here)?"

If she agrees to go, get a seat next to her and bring a pocketful of tissues. Everyone knows pregnant women are loaded with hormones just waiting to boil over with emotional distress. Full on bawling at a minorly tender part of the movie will be a dead giveaway she's pregnant. Less than that and you may have to ask her once in a while if she's crying and keep track of how often she says yes before she asks you to leave her alone.

"Do you want to go shopping with me this weekend?"

If she bursts into tears immediately, pick up a gift card to a maternity clothing store for her during your shopping trip. If she agrees to go but sighs longingly when she sees you try on skinny jeans or flinches when she looks at pictures of models flaunting flat stomachs, start deciding what you'd like to get her as a baby shower gift.

And if none of these methods work, don't be surprised. It would be entirely that woman's prerogative to tell no one she's pregnant until she's headed to the hospital to deliver the baby. If she hasn't told you she's pregnant, it might be best to consider it as none of your business. Here are 5 ways to help parents of infants. 

Cloudy days in Bremerton, WA

It's been a very long time since I wrote. In the nearly 3 intervening months since my last entry, I completed my last semester of teaching college, Justin passed all his classes and earned his Bachelor's of Sociology degree, we moved to Bremerton, Washington, Chad learned to walk, Justin got a job as a detailer at the West Hills Honda car dealership, and we got a cat whom we've christened Rainy Day. (She goes by Rainy for short.)

It's been a whirlwind, but I feel well-settled into our new apartment now. Living here is a new sort of adventure. Our apartment is exactly the size of a 2-car garage, because that's where it's located: Above a 2-car garage and the little breezeway between the garage and the main house. We access it by walking through said breezeway and walking up an outdoor flight of paint-chipped, spider-infested stairs (the handrail is covered with snails, slugs, and spiders at night, a fact I learned the hard way). Another family rents the main house, and, ironically enough, they are also LDS, as are our landlords.

The apartment has one bedroom, which we set aside as Chad's room so he'd have somewhere quiet for naps and his early bedtime and we'd be able to continue about our activities unencumbered. Our bed is behind our couch in a corner of the living room. It's set against the wall beneath a large window through which I have a beautiful view of the trees. It makes me feel like I live in a treehouse. The biggest downsides to this apartment are its lack of dishwasher and washing machine and dryer. I am a horrible hand dishwasher and there's another tower of dishes waiting to be washed in the sink while I sit here choosing to write this instead.

The home's location is nice because it's just an 8-minute drive to the dealership where Justin works about 30 hours per week. However, there are no parks within walking distance and our road joins up to a semi-busy highway with no sidewalks so I feel trapped in about half a mile of neighborhood for my walks. These walks weren't even an option for the first few weeks because it rained incessantly, but the weather has improved now and I feel less drowned by the atmosphere.

Chad started walking the weekend we moved and he's become quite adept at it, though falling down and stumbling are still a big part of his day. Thank goodness adults don't fall as much as kids. His favorite pastime now is following our cat everywhere. Rainy tolerates him for the most part, but when he gets too proprietary she hides beneath the bed just out of arm's reach. Her presence is a welcome addition in our home as I feel less lonely when Justin's at work and Chad is asleep and she is the distraction for Chad I need to get a few things done during the day.

Justin's application process with various law enforcement agencies continues apace. He's had 3 oral board interviews now and is waiting to hear which one might pass him on to the next step. We aren't sure how long it'll take for him to get hired, but our original estimate of 3 or 4 months was too conservative. There are a lot of hoops to jump through and we'll likely be at our current location at least through August, perhaps longer. I don't mind, though. The ward is friendly and the apartment comfortable, if small. There's something entertaining about living somewhere so tiny. There's lots less to clean, and Justin can serve me breakfast in bed without stepping away from the stove.

I must say before I end that I miss Rexburg and Idaho more than I could ever say. When we lived there I looked forward to moving on with life in the "real world" and getting out of the "bubble." But in the months before we moved I realized the place that had been my home for the previous 5 1/2 years had grown on me. Now I miss it every day and can't think of it or the friends and family we left behind without tearing up. My time in Rexburg and attending and working at BYU-I will always be very precious to me. I can't name everyone here who made living there so wonderful, but you know who you are :). I miss you and love you all very much.

Baby-led cleaning

You read that right above. I wrote baby-led cleaning, rather than baby-led weaning. The latter of these two is a parenting philosophy that allows the child, rather than the mother, to decide when and how he stops breastfeeding and what he eats instead. The former is a philosophy I came up with the other day about how to get more cleaning done and it's worked pretty well for me so far.

The idea is this: Instead of dragging your child away from his toys so that you can take him upstairs to keep an eye on him while you get some cleaning done, you clean the room he's playing in. Because the thing is, if you take him away from whatever is interesting to him, he'll then rely on you to entertain him wherever you take him. Thus, if he is playing in the living room, you clean some aspect of the living room. If he wants to play in the bathroom, you put the waste paper basket on the counter and you clean the bathroom.

Here's a case in point: The other day I decided I was tired of trying to clean with a baby pulling on my trouser leg. So I waited until he was busy with some toys, and then I started cleaning the living room around him. Granted, he had to have some toys out so I couldn't clean everything, but I got more done than I would have if I'd tried to clean the kitchen. He would have come looking for me and not have rested until I picked him up.

When he grew tired of his living room toys, he headed for the stairs which I'd left purposely unblocked. I followed him up and he settled on playing with his bath toys on the bathroom floor. So I cleaned the mirrors, wiped down the toilet, and tidied the countertops.

Of course, this method doesn't always work. There are some rooms that can't be baby-proofed enough to enable you to take your eyes off the baby long enough to let you get something done. Then there will be some days (or some weeks) when your baby feels extra insecure or clingy and won't let you get anything done no matter what method you try. Those weeks you must become reconciled with some level of messiness and enjoy holding and playing with your baby while he needs you. Because he (or she) won't need you forever.

Motherhood: Making me more afraid than I've ever been

This time a year ago, I was one week into being a mom. I was sore from labor, sleep-deprived from feeding Chad every 2-3 hours all night long, and beginning to realize that my life was never going to be the same. These days, motherhood still isn't easy, but Chad sleeps well at night, can play by himself sometimes, and I've learned how to balance my "mom"self and "me"self. There's one thing I'm still getting used to, though: being constantly afraid.

I'm afraid all the time now. I never knew there were so many things to be afraid of. I'm afraid Chad will stop breathing during the night, afraid that when he gets mad and bangs his head on the crib railing that he'll give himself brain damage. Here are a few other things I'm afraid of:

• Those skinny pieces of plastic that hold tags onto shirts
• Random pieces of dirt on the carpet
• Unpopped popcorn kernels
• Little pieces of half-chewed ham
• Unlocked kitchen cupboards and cabinets
• Slamming doors
• Toilets with open lids
• Tubs with more than half an inch of water in the bottom
• Exposed toes and fingers in the Rexburg wind
• Running out of diapers
• Running out of wipes
• Losing every binky at the same time
• The stairs
• Open dishwasher lids when there are knives or forks in the silverware sorter
• Locking my keys in the car when Chad is inside
• Having the front door lock itself when I run the trash out to the trash can with Chad alone in the house
• Hot stove surfaces
• Hot water
• Hot space heaters
• Leaving Chad unattended in his high chair
• Leaving Chad unattended in his stroller
• Leaving Chad for 10 seconds while I run a folded stack of towels upstairs
• Leaving Chad in the tub when I turn to get his hairbrush off the bathroom counter
• Coughing sounds
• Odd laughing sounds
• Gasping sounds
• No sound
• Letting Chad watch too much TV
• Letting Chad sit too close to the TV
• Letting Chad glance at the TV during violent movie scenes
• Letting Chad put his ear too close to the TV/iPhone speakers
• Letting Chad face the sun when we go for stroller walks
• Little kids at the library who run around in circles near Chad's fingers
• Possible germs on said kids or the library toys
• SIDS
• RSV
• Concussions
• Congenital heart problems
• The common cold
• Kissing Chad when I have a cold sore
• A random stranger walking up in the grocery store when my back is turned and kidnapping Chad from the basket of my grocery cart

I could go on, but you get the idea. I didn't realize being a mom would make me so nervous and jumpy all the time. All it takes is for Chad to make a strange noise or his mouth to move in a chewing motion when I haven't given him any food for my heart to start racing. A couple times a day I get a little hit of adrenaline from some nerve-wracking thing Chad does. Who needs extreme sports? He thinks it's hilarious when I drop whatever I'm doing and sprint across the room to check on him. He's less amused when I fish around in his mouth with my finger or smack whatever dangerous object he's holding out of his hand, however. Sometimes I think it's a miracle he's lived as long as he has with all the dangers in this world.

At the same time, I've begin to find hidden reserves of bravery and strength I've never drawn from before. For instance, during Chad's birth when the doctor told me Chad was facing the wrong way with a large head, he gave me the option of having a C-section rather than putting me through the ordeal of manually turning the baby and then pushing him out, large head first. A part of me really wanted to be done with labor and no one would have blamed me for opting for the emergency C-section. Yet, almost without consciously deciding to say it, I heard myself answering, "I'd like you to turn him. I want to give birth naturally if at all possible." And somehow, 20 minutes later, Chad was delivered. I had survived what has physically been the toughest moment of my existence thus far.

In the weeks and months that followed, I also survived night after night of interrupted sleep. I stuck with breastfeeding even when it hurt, was time consuming, and meant no one but I could get up during the night to feed the baby. And now I've learned how to carry every bag of groceries plus a car seat, diaper bag, and purse into the house from the car in one load.

These days I'm learning patience as Chad's favorite pastime is climbing up and down the stairs and I follow him every step of the way. I guess it's his way of making sure I get my exercise in. I'm also becoming adept at one-handed lifting, stirring, folding, and cooking because some days my cuddly little boy just can't stand to be separated from me by even an arm's length.

Perhaps most importantly, I'm developing capacities to love I never fathomed before. I love Chad far more now than I did when he was born. Sometimes I catch myself staring at him even when he's sitting there playing with his own feet, and I realize I've been staring at him for at least 10 minutes as he's been employed in the same activity. I also love Justin more than ever because of the tough parenting times we've been through where we've had to sacrifice for each other. We value our time together far more now than we used to.

And the biggest miracle of all? One day, I saw a spider crawl from Chad's high chair onto his lap, and instead of running screaming in the opposite direction, I picked him up and dusted him off vigorously, knowing as he did so that my hand might actually come in contact with that spider. I didn't even hesitate.

Now that's love.

Chad's first birthday

My little boy is officially one year old. Not only does that make him seem old, but it makes me feel old, too. His birthday was Friday, Valentine's Day, but since my parents and Charity couldn't get in town til late that night we celebrated it on Saturday. Justin's parents made a heroic journey all the way from Belfair, WA to Rexburg on Thursday and thus were around to watch Chad so Justin and I could go to Olive Garden in Idaho Falls for dinner. It is perhaps a sign of the times that Olive Garden seemed like a pretty swanky restaurant to me.

Saturday was a fun chance to show both my family and Justin's parents around campus. There is beautiful artwork in the BYU-I Center and they keep the balcony of the auditorium open during the week for "study and reflection." The width and breadth of that enormous room never ceases to amaze me. Chad's party went well with a mountain of presents four times as big as him to open from doting grandparents and a bear-shaped frosted cake for him to eat. He wasn't quite sure how to consume such a massive edifice, even after I cut the head open so he could see the cake beneath. His cake face didn't really end up being all that messy but we had cake leftovers which he ate plenty of the next day. So far, his favorite gifts have been a Spiderman-themed ball pit and a little push-along car.

The semester is halfway over now, which is a bitter-sweet realization to me. I've looked forward to having a life outside of Rexburg for years, but now that the end of our time here is so imminent I've been gripped with fond nostalgia for the place that has been my home for the better part of the last 5 1/2 years. Justin's testing in Washington two weekends ago went really well, and now we're just playing the waiting game. He sent his test results to several agencies so we're hoping someone will want to bring him back for interviews. This whole job application process is so tedious and expensive, I wish it was over with already.

Chad is not quite walking yet, but he can stand for a second or two at a time on his own and he loves cruising around holding onto walls and furniture. He's also a pro at crawling up and down stairs, though not so much we feel comfortable giving him unlimited access to them. Today, however, he somehow made it past the chair covered with a blanket we use as a barrier to the hallway and climbed all the way upstairs to where I was in the bedroom. I took the little escapee back down to his father, who had been oblivious of the breakout. The chair and blanket were unmoved so the only thing we could think was maybe he'd climbed over? We're not sure and he has yet to repeat his performance.

He has the sweetest, spunkiest, most independent personality and has some very definite opinions about what is okay and what is not. For instance, he's terrified of the pinata game on my iPad and the garbage disposal and a little girl in our married ward who we see in Sunday School. He loves playing with white plastic mixing spoons, plastic pipes, and getting food out of the garbage to eat. One of his most favorite pastimes is cuddling in my lap while I read to him and he absolutely hates getting set down. If he had his own way, he'd probably sit in my lap all day scrolling through the pictures on my phone. He likes crawling around in just his diaper yet strongly dislikes baths. And perhaps the most interesting quirk of all is his penchant for pulling the lint out of the dryer's lint catcher and either dropping it on my clean clothes or all over the floor. My little boy is definitely one of a kind.

How Chad and I spend our free time

Chad's first blanket fort

My Valentine's Day gift to Justin

Pictures of Chad's party 

I got "nothing" done today, and I'm proud of it

Today I read a blog post titled, "New mamas get nothing done (And other untruths)" and it left me feeling really empowered. It was about how new mothers feel like they get "nothing" done because of how busy they are taking care of their baby all day. I don't know how many times I've felt like that. Justin sometimes comes home from class and finds me and Chad still in our pajamas, breakfast dishes on the table, a pile of dirty diapers in the corner, mountains of crumbs beneath the high chair, and toys all over the floor. He's usually too nice to say anything derogatory, but he does have a look sometimes that seems to ask, "What on earth have you been doing?"

The truth is, some days I really don't get anything productive done in terms of worldly value. I don't get my articles written for my freelancing jobs and I don't grade a single paper. But that doesn't mean I did "nothing." Take today, for instance. The following are some things I accomplished:

1. - Fed my baby a well-rounded breakfast of bananas, toast, and yogurt. Introducing him to good nutrition now could help him make good dietary decisions throughout his life.
2. - Read 4 board books about topics ranging from the sounds farm animals make to learning where your belly button is. They may not be classical literature, but the good experiences he has with reading now will influence his attitude towards reading in the future.
3. - Gave Chad a bath. He's not a huge fan of the water but he does like playing with bath toys. Bathing him is a fun mother-son experience I know I won't be able to have forever.
4. - Took selfies of the two of us with my phone. How fun will these memories be to look back on years into the future?
5. - Nursed and rocked my son. Breastfeeding has been hard, but so worth it. I know this effort I'm putting in now could benefit Chad's health for the rest of his life.
6. - Helped him fall asleep. He isn't great at falling asleep on his own yet, but he's learning. It would be lots easier on me to just rock or nurse him to sleep for every nap, but instead I've been making the effort to establish a routine, spend time helping him get drowsy, and then putting him down awake but sleepy. He usually cries for a couple minutes until he falls asleep, and I sit in my bedroom and listen, praying he'll fall asleep quickly while silent tears slide down my own face.
7. - Banged pots and pans together in the kitchen. It's Chad's favorite thing when I get down on the floor next to him and we explore what kinds of sounds we can make with plastic spoons and cups and pans. I'm not sure what benefit he's getting out of it, unless he grows up to be a drummer, but I know it helps us bond.
8. - Climbed up and down the stairs 3 times. He's getting really good at the climbing-down-backwards thing, but I'm still not comfortable giving him free access to the stairs. So I walk or crawl behind him as he goes up and down multiple times. Surely such exercise is helping strengthen his muscles and improving his motor skills and coordination.
9. - Let Chad play with his dinner. He made a horrible mess of his tray, his clothes, the floor, and his face, but he learned about textures and actually ate a few vegetables for once. That in itself was a minor miracle.
10. - Played peekaboo for 20 minutes. Chad never ceases to be entertained by this simple game, but I hope somehow it's reinforcing the idea that I won't ever truly leave him. I'm his mom now and forever and will never be far away.

That's just the tip of the iceburg of what "nothing" I got accomplished today. We also visited our next door neighbor because Chad tends to be a little happier when he gets to explore somewhere new, Chad recorded a video with my phone and I didn't realize it until after he'd recorded several of my funnier faces, we looked out the window at the snow, listened to music, danced around the living room, and went through daddy's suitcase he'd left open in the living room.

I haven't written a single article or responded to student emails. I only half loaded the dishwasher and did my makeup but not my hair. I've wanted to finish my book I'm reading for weeks and I'm not even halfway through with it yet. And yet, after reading that blog post earlier today, I can't feel like it's been a waste. Chad has had fun, enjoyed his mommy's attention, and I've made the most of one more of his fleeting days of babyhood. There will be more stressful days ahead, but the author of that article was right. You never regret the time you spend holding your baby. And I don't regret a single second of today.